They Say It's Your Birthday...

December 29, 1951

Wow, I do not think I've skipped two months here for quite a while.  I haven't been doing much art, other than a few small collages in a sketchbook, nothing I wanted to share.

I have been considering my birthday, though.  Most of my life I've been grumpy about the date I was born, right between Christmas and New Year.  Since my birthday is so late in the year, I usually think of myself as older than I actually am. I was born in 1950, so, this year I turned sixty-eight at the end of December, but thought of myself as that age most of the year.  I have the usual complaints. I often got my birthday presents on Christmas, since everyone was already together. I don't like it that so many the celebrations are lumped together in December, a month not known for its good weather in Wisconsin. When I wanted to go out to a nice restaurant out of town, often the roads were snow covered and slippery.

Of course there are some good things too - I had a closet full of warm clothing and socks. I never had to go to school or work on my birthday. Often out of town family and friends visit at this time of year.

But this year, even though we didn't have a party, and there were no gifts, I was very very happy.  I wasn't altogether sure I'd be alive for this birthday.  My cancer diagnosis in 2017 turned my illusions about control and certainty upside down.  I still feel pretty good, but my cancer is slowly progressing.  I've had two different rounds of chemo that were ineffective, and radiation that helped well, but only for a few months.  I was excited to learn that a Milwaukee hospital has two experimental drug trials for my kind of cancer, so I did all the testing and paperwork for one only to be disqualified the day before I was supposed to start treatment.  I applied for the other drug trial this week.

This year on December 29th my dear husband and I went out to the local Olive Garden, had a nice meal, came home to watch a movie on television, and called it a day.  That was just fine by me, since slippery roads weren't a problem, and I felt good enough to eat my dinner and drink a glass of wine. Just having an average day, not counting the nearly 100 birthday greeting on Facebook, and sleeping comfortably in my own bed, was all I could ask for.  

No party or gifts required.

Colored Pencil Portrait - Nadya

8x10 inches, colored pencil on tan notebook paper

I completed this portrait of Nadya, a woman I have never met, but is a fellow member of Julia Kay's Portrait Party, before Christmas. I like it well enough, though I wish I had done a better job of differentiating the dark tones of her shirt from the dark background.  I kept layering, and I may have gone one step too far.  Still, I think it captures her graceful appearance.

I turn sixty-six today, and am grateful to be relatively healthy and able to pursue my interests, such a local history and my art.  I look my age, which is startling every morning when I stand in front of the bathroom mirror to brush my teeth.  I have unruly salt and pepper hair, smile and frown lines galore, and a rounder figure than I care to think about very deeply.  Still, in my mind, I am more like, say, forty-five.  There is a disconnect between how I think of myself, and how I see myself in the mirror, and indeed how younger people treat me.  This sort of thing hit home at the annual family get-together at Christmas time.  I now am the oldest person in the room, except for my husband and brother-in-law, who only are older by three months.  I occupy the position my grandmother once held, a little more dressed up than the younger relatives, a little overwhelmed by overly excited little ones, a little tired and ready to head back home to rest. 

I have never liked the timing of my birthday, falling as it does between Christmas and New Year.  I always resented it a little when birthday presents came in Christmas wrapping paper, and always had to do with winter clothing.  This time of year everyone is busy, and a little over-fed, so a birthday like mine gets little notice. Of course these days people think it's silly for a retired gray haired woman to even pay much attention to birthdays.  Nevertheless, I took myself out for an Egg McMuffin this morning, and tonight we're planning to get a nice meal out, possibly featuring a martini.  My dear aunt sent me a pretty birthday card (such a rare thing these days), some long time friends and left a happy birthday song on voicemail, and my Facebook friends have been checking in with greetings, so the day has not gone unnoticed.

It's good to find the sunshine wherever you can.